From Jaws to Dolly Parton: 50 Pieces of Unfiltered Advice I’m Passing Down

I’ve been giving out lots of advice this year. Between two graduations in our household and turning 50, I’ve also done a LOT of reflecting on life. Below are thoughts, quotes, and lessons that have been circling in my head. These range from my first memories to my current life. They are not in any specific order. Enjoy!

1.      Watching Jaws as a 4-year old: You may not defeat every shark, but the real lesson is knowing when to get in the water. (This is one of my first memories as a child.)

2.      Ask for what you want. You never know what you might get.

3.      When you feel overwhelmed, move at 50% your normal pace. Your body just doesn't have the capacity for more.

4.      Love is a beautiful choice. You get to wake up every day and choose who to love.

5.      Go outside. Nature is the best.

6.      Dogs. Cats. Pets. Get one.

Me and my brother (AKA partner in crime)

My grandparents (both sets) played a huge role in my life. Even though they passed many years ago, I still hear them in my head or remember their stories.

7.      Don’t spend more than you earn. (maternal grandmother)

8.      A bigger house means bigger cleaning. (maternal grandmother)

9.      There is nothing worse than an afflicted child. (maternal grandmother)

10.  I just called to say I love you. Everyone needs to hear that. (paternal grandmother)

11.  Sometimes silence is the best answer. (maternal grandfather)

12.  Never give up hope. My maternal grandfather and his four siblings were put into foster care as children during the Great Depression. After 50+ years, the siblings were reunited.

13.  Try new things. My paternal grandfather was the first distributor of vending machines in Missouri. No one thought his business would make it. He did.

14.  Follow what amazes you. My paternal grandfather had a side hobby of taking the family on vacations to chase steam-powered trains so he could photograph them.

My maternal grandparents. I grew up right next door to them.

Advice that I’ve shared with my kids –

15.  The best thing my parents taught me was laughter. Like the kind that makes you spit your drink through your mouth AND nose.

16.  You matter. I don’t care what you’ve done. You still matter.

17.  Apologies matter. We have a humbling practice in our house. When you are found out to be wrong about something, you have to tell the other person “you were right” three times. I hate it.

18.  I really like being right.

19.  Take accountability for yourself. Blame is easy; accountability is the real work.

20.  Don’t talk bad about yourself. I don’t believe it.

21.  Be yourself. Don’t care what other people think. Ask for help. Keep asking for help. You will always need help. And remind me when I’m not asking for help.

22.  Sometimes my hubris gets the best of me.

23.  I hate feeling vulnerable, yet vulnerability is my strength.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, these guys get lots of advice from me.

These are things that I’ve learned through relationships and LOTS of therapy -

24.  Your age shouldn’t define you. No matter your age, you have something to offer this world that no one else can.

25.  Keep showing up. Sometimes that’s all a person needs to heal.

26.  Extraordinary work requires extraordinary self-care and community.

27.  When you think of someone, let them know. A simple text works.

28.  Do the interior work to heal your heart. Otherwise, you’ll struggle a LOT in relationships.

29.  Friendships are powerful yet fleeting. We grow together and apart and in different directions at different times. Having one good friend is a gift.

30.  Find places where you can let go. For me, that’s music. The stories, the emotions, the chords – they all take me to a different world.

31.  Some wounds never heal. You just learn to live with the pain and build on it.

I love working with nonprofits.

Lessons learned over a 30 year career in human resources -

32.  Be willing to work and support yourself. Even if you don’t like the job, the right opportunity may present itself if you are willing to be humble.

33.  Racism sucks. I’m still excavating the white supremacy inside me.

34.  Pay equity begins and ends with employees.

35.  No matter how good it feels, do not burn bridges when leaving a job. You never know when you might encounter those people again.

36.  The best time to negotiate pay is when you accept the job.

37.  Be curious, not judgmental. The world is fascinating.

38.  Your career is a playground, not just a ladder or jungle gym. In this day and age, you can live and work in all kinds of different careers. Rarely is a career linear anymore.

39.  As Dolly Parton says, you gotta tinkle or get off the pot. If you are unhappy with your current circumstances, you gotta move on or live with it. Being miserable is not a fun option.

40.  The higher up you go in leadership, the lonelier it is. Find your community. Don’t assume others will build it for you.

Quotes that run on a loop in my head –

41.  "I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own." Audre Lorde

42.  "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

43.  “If you can see it, you can be it.” Billie Jean King

44.  “I am going to write fire until it comes out of my ears, my eyes, my noseholes – everywhere. Until it’s every breath I breathe. I’m going to go out like a fucking meteor!” Audre Lorde

45.  “Our wants and needs distort to an unknown degree what we perceive. We block out a great deal of information that is potentially available if it does not fit our needs, expectations, preconceptions, and prejudgments.” Edgar Schein

46.  “Being a victim of oppression in the United States is not enough to make you revolutionary, just as dropping out of your mother's womb is not enough to make you human. People who are full of hate and anger against their oppressors or who only see Us versus Them can make a rebellion but not a revolution. The oppressed internalize the values of the oppressor. Therefore, any group that achieve power, no matter how oppressed, is not going to act differently from their oppressors as long as they have not confronted the values that they have internalized and consciously adopted different values.” Grace Lee Boggs

47.  "In organizations, real power and energy is generated through relationships. The patterns of relationships and the capacities to form them are more important than tasks, functions, roles, and positions." Margaret Wheatley

48.  "I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something. And that’s what we’re holding onto: that there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for." Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers movie

49.  “There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you’ll be free if you truly wish to be.” Willy Wonka

50.  “I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.” Dolly Parton

I love it when Dolly shows up at work.